Are We There Yet?

Spidey Senses

For years before I had kids of my own, my sister would complain to me about how her little ones always seemed to have an inkling that their momma had something going on. Every time she had an event, a trip, a long awaited date with her hubby- absolutely anything- her kids would get sick or something would go wrong.

I now know exactly what she was talking about. My little ones have super spidey sense's when it comes to me and anything I do. As moms, we look forward to a night out, a weekend getaway, or hell, a solo trip to the grocery store. We wish for a time where we can hang up our "mom hats" for just a moment and get away from our never ending to do lists. Of course my heart is in my home, but sometimes the need to re-charge my battery or reboot my system arises. I am fortunate to have a husband who never gives me the gears about going out for dinner or drinks with the girls. Although the times I take advantage of it seem to come infrequently, when they do, something always goes wrong.

I'm not trying to throw my hubby under the bus, but last time I went out, he "forgot" to change the girls diapers before bed so I had a disastrous night. Both girls were up at 2am soaking wet and I had to deal with the reprecussions all night long. If I'm not home for bedtime, I'm guaranteed to have some sort of issue throughout the night, not because of Jared, but just because I'm not home. Like clockwork, just when I find my perfect comfy bedtime position, someone is up.

Whether it's a cup of coffee in the afternoon or trying to blog on the odd day they both nap, someone wakes up. It's as if they just know that mommy has something to do and they don't want me to complete it!! Oh, and we can go months and months without being sick, but without doubt, if we are going away on a family trip a cold or flu rears its ugly head.

Maybe it's just me and Mol? Or maybe it's just a reoccurring coincidence? (I think not!!) I love my girlies so very much so I really do adore the fact that they want to be with me all the time. Really I just want them to have a rough night when it's daddy's turn to get up!!

 

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Feeling Lucky

So last week I had my long awaited Gamma Knife surgery.  It isn’t too often that one has brain surgery and needless to say I was a little leery going in.  The day started bright and early and as Blaine and I left the house just after 5:00 am I made sure to give my dear, sleeping kiddos a little kiss for good luck before I was on my way.

Truth be told, luck is already on my side. 

• I am lucky that a few years ago they found my fairly large benign brain tumour by chance.  If they hadn’t it may have grown to the point where I would have experienced symptoms; seizures, visual disturbances or damage to my facial nerve. 
•  I am lucky that Dr. Michael West is my neurosurgeon.  They don’t get much better than him and I have the upmost confidence in his abilities.  He is also a super nice guy, to boot.  He may not be McDreamy but he is a close second in my books.
• I am lucky to live in a city that has one of only three gamma knife centres in Canada.  What a blessing to have been able to have my surgery in Winnipeg, instead of traveling and dealing with planes, hotels and being away from home. 
•  I am lucky that my tumour is benign and treatable with gamma knife.  Three years ago when I was diagnosed it wasn’t…how lucky am I that the medicine and technology has advanced so much in three years that I avoided the real “knife” and the invasive surgery of which the recovery would have been months.
•  I am lucky to have a life filled with so many wonderful people…..my family, friends, and colleagues are my greatest gifts in life.  Kind, thoughtful, caring, attentive…I thank all of you for thinking of me, your prayers and your warm wishes.

Last Wednesday, I suffered through the not so pleasant experience of attaching the imaging frame to my skull with the four pins.  I wore that cage like apparatus for about 6 hours and they were right…I really did get used to it.  I had a little sedative and made it through my MRI (I am extremely claustrophic).  After that the team of doctors and physicists read the MRI results and devised their radiation plan of attack.  My sequence was about an hour and twenty minutes long.  I was allowed to listen to music in the machine but even Madonna’s Immaculate Collection could not distract me enough to make it all the way through without a little break. After that pit stop it was clear sailing.

My recovery went well.  I ‘ve had some headaches, and I had pain at my pin sites for a number of days. I slept a lot.  But after a couple of days off work and the weekend, I felt much more like myself and a week later all is well. 

And now we wait.  The benefits of Gamma knife surgery can take weeks and even months to work.  The goal is to stop a tumour in its tracks and prevent further cell growth.  I have a MRI scheduled six months down the road to see where we are at, but until then I am feeling lucky!

Maskaphobia?

I am in desperate need of some help moms!!

Over the Summer we were in Gimli enjoying a fabulous family outing with Jared's sister and her little guy when he stopped to have his face painted. After a few moments he emerged as Batman with an almost identical mask across his eyes. When Ivy finally saw him, she had a full on meltdown and acted in a way that I had never seen before.  My just two year old was shaking in horror literally clawing her nails into my back.  For the remainder of the afternoon she wouldn't go within 50 feet of Magnus and went crazy even when she could see him in the distance. Needless to say, it did not make the rest of our day very enjoyable.

Her fear of masks and people's faces being covered up has only escalated since.  She goes from being a happy-go-lucky child to unbearably scared in an instant. We have talked a lot about Halloween in the last few weeks trying to ease her fears as we make light of her favorite Disney Junior characters on tv being covered up in their costumes. Yes, it's just tv, but we're trying to prepare her that on Halloween night, there will be masked kids all around.  We make sure to tell her that it's all for fun and that these people are not scary. 

Brenda, our daycare provider, takes Ivy with her to a stay and play program at her boys school while they are in Kindergarten. She just texted me to tell me that Ivy had a huge, full fledged melt down at both the drop off and pick up of the older kids this morning.  It makes me so sad for her because it's her last day of daycare for the year and I want her to have some fun tonight as she has been over the moon about practicing her trick-or-treating skills. 

She is a child who is fearless of so many other things, yet this one sends her into a tailspin.  Has anyone else dealt with their kids being scared of masks? I beg of you to shed some advice if you have any.

To Tell or Not To Tell

Last week I got a phone call from somebody in my life (I promised I wouldn't "out" my source) that told me she had overheard a woman in her workplace lunchroom saying some not so nice things about my sister. She also had some rude things to say about her kids.  My "source" told me to ask my sister how the two of them knew each other and to find why she might have these negative things to say.

Without blinking an eye, I called my sister and told her the story.  She let me know how they knew each other and said that at most they say hi to each other in passing at various places.  It didn't even dawn on me that telling my sister might hurt her feelings because I wanted to know what this person's problem was. 

As it turns out, I DIDN'T hurt my sister's feelings, in fact, the whole situation mostly just ticked her off.  She called me this morning to say that after much thought she was going to send this person an email letting her know what she heard and to ask what her deal is.

If it was anyone else besides my sister I probably wouldn't have said anything, but because it's her, of course I was going to tell. What would you have done? Run and tell or zip your lips?

Another Lesson To Be Learned

After a wonderful long weekend with my little family, we woke up to a big surprise on Tuesday morning.  Jared went out the door, already running late for work, and his car was gone.  He came back in the house with a look of confusion on his face and told me.  Immediately I remembered that I had left the keys on the floor of my van overnight so I got him to go check if they were still there.  They weren't.  They had rummaged through my van, but stolen his car.  Nobody needs to tell me how stupid it is to A.) Leave our car doors unlocked and B.) Leave keys in a vehicle in your driveway.

The reason I always leave my doors unlocked is because when I used to work downtown at The Keg, my windows were smashed more than once in an attempt to find a couple dollars in my ashtray.  Now, if somebody is going to go through my car, I'd prefer not to have to replace a window. 

We live in a quiet North Kildonan neighborhood right inside the perimeter.  Our driveway is long, and where our cars were parked was in plain sight of our windows- very ballsy.  To say the least, we are too trusting. I feel safe in our house and neighborhood and honestly have never thought about theft or vandalism. This was a lesson learned in our household.  We've had our house locks changed and are making sure everything is secure when we leave for work or go out.  

They have "recovered" our vehicle.  The cops called us at 2am to let us know that they found it in the North End.  At this point all we know is that there is "excessive" damage to it. The mirrors are off, two of the tires are flat and they said it looked like it had been in multiple accidents. They also found a jerry can of gas in the backseat along with other random objects. The lady at MPI told Jared that gas in the vehicle usually means that they were planning on or did start fires around the city. 

Now it's just a waiting game. The car will be printed and then the damage will be assessed.  At this point, we would prefer not to have the car back at all, but MPI will decide that for us. I know it's the reality of the world we live in, but I still find it disheartening to know that some punks were creeping around our property in the middle of the night. We have definitely learned our lesson, but let it be one to all of you as well- we can't be too careful!

Ten To Go!

I am officially 30 weeks along today! It feels more like 40, but I guess I can chalk it up to the 2^nd pregnancy (maybe).  I clearly remember the lack of oxygen being an issue for me further along last time.  This baby seems to be pressing firmly on every organ making it difficult to walk up a flight of stairs or sit in my chair at work for a long period of time, not to mention the lack of comfort during sleep already.  Jared ends up sleeping downstairs most nights because of my crazy flipping and flopping in an attempt to get cozy.  I also don’t remember Ivy moving quite as much at this stage in the game which is a tad concerning to me if this is a preview of what kind of child he/she is  going to be. 

In some respects the past 7 months have flown by, in others, it’s been the longest 7 months of my life. I don’t even remember what it was like to pregnant without a two year old running around.  It must have been much more peaceful the first time round! Because Ives is growing up so fast, I am beyond excited to start from scratch and have a wee one back in in my arms. My once baby is now a little girl with a personality all her own.  Aside from the odd bite and the fact that she likes to hit her cousins every so often, she has phenomenal manners, is about as cute as they come, and is absolutely my favorite person in the whole world.  I’m still wondering how I will have enough love for two?

If I had to go with my gut, I would say I’m growing a little girl, but I was also positive it was a boy last time. The thought of another male in the house is crazy to me! We know what life is like with a little girl, what would it be like with a little boy?

Here is a question for all you moms, because Ivy ended up being a C-section, I have the choice to opt for another one this time around.  Without a doubt, my answer was absolutely.  Would you do the same if you were in my shoes? I already had the whole experience of my water breaking, the long labor, and hours of pushing – she just wouldn’t come out.  The surgery this time around is a little scary to me. Last time I could’ve cared less how they got her out of me so long as it was fast due to the pain I was in. Thoughts?

Remembering Rosie

"Sometimes best friends walk on four legs"

~Author Unknown

Dear Rosie,

You will be so greatly missed.  You have touched and enriched my life in so many ways and I will forever cherish the years of memories with you by my side.

You were such a sweet, gentle and loving little creature.  You were so special and dear to me.  What I will remember most about you was your unconditional love, your loyalty and your affection.  You were always ready to cuddle and snuggle and I looked forward to our daily evening routines.

These were some of the other things I will always remember and treasure about you most…

You were destined to live with us.  When we met, you were living at the vet’s office at age 2.  It was love at first sight.  You came home to your forever place the very next day.

You had the biggest, most beautiful green eyes and the prettiest tabby markings.

You liked when I carried you around in one arm while I did chores around the house.  You were truly a mama’s girl and the feeling was mutual. We had such a special bond. 

You loved to lick the water off the edge of the tub whenever I had a bath.

You had the loudest purr.  You could be heard from across the room.  I just had to look at you sometimes and you started to purr.  I will miss that wonderful sound.

You loved to eat popcorn.  You always came to investigate whenever you heard the popping start.  You also loved chicken, cheese, milk, yogurt and ice cream.  I always saved the last bits in the bowl for you.

You had many nicknames over the years…”Rosie Posie”, “Issy”, “Is”, “Rosalita”, “Rose Petal”, “Little Girl” and “Chubba”. 

You were a great mama.  When Charlie came to live with us as a kitten, nearly 7 years ago you taught him so much.  You cleaned him, cuddled him and loved him.  Seeing the two of you in your cat bed or lying on our bed each afternoon, intertwined and fast asleep warmed my heart.  He misses you already.

You loved to sleep.  You found the best rays of sunshine and the most comfy of places.  My favourite place you could be found in was your “condo”, the upstairs closet the kids set up for you, which included a blanket, tree, stuffies and a sign that read,”Rosie’s Place”.

You were “made of love”.  That is what we always said.

You were brave and strong right until the end.  I know you are at peace now.

You touched many lives and will be greatly missed by Sarah, Nate, Charlie, Blaine and I.  You were truly a part of our family and you were loved deeply by all of us. 

Goodbye sweet girl.  Thank you for all you have given me.  You were a dear, dear friend and the best of companions.  I will miss you so, gentle soul and I will remember you always. 

Love,

Shauna

XOXOXOXO

Being there with Rosie yesterday as her heart slowed and she took her final breaths was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Breaking the news to my children later that evening was even harder.  Over the last couple of days I have helped my children work through their grief. I have answered countless questions about life, death, souls and Heaven.   I have held them, comforted them, wiped their tears and comforted them some more….all the while trying to manage my own feelings of sadness and loss.  When we invite a pet into our lives we set ourselves up for inevitable heartache.  Yet every moment is worth it in the end. 

Today we had a floral delivery.  The card read, “Our deepest condolences on the loss of your dear friend Rosie from the staff at McLeod Veterinary Hospital".  In a glass bowl lay one beautiful peach “rose” in full bloom.  The perfect flower for as Sarah would say the “purrfect” cat.  We will miss you, Sweet Rose!

 

Poem For Cats

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.

Author Unknown

Reality Check

It seems silly to complain about anything in my life when people like Shauna are facing problems that really matter. I often catch myself feeling down and out because I'm seven months pregnant and incredibly uncomfortable.  The reality is that in two and a half months I get to welcome a new addition to my family- the best gift possible.  That hardly seems like something to complain about.  Yes, I am already struggling to bend over to pick up toys or grab pots and pans. Yes, this little baby seems to be taking over my entire body making it hard for me to breathe. And, yes, my ass is quite a bit bigger this time round. In the grand scheme of things, these are just small details that will soon be gone. 

Unfortunately in our lives it often takes someone else's heartache or pain to realize just how okay we really are. When you look at the people around you that are dealing with health problems or just the everyday stresses of life, it sure makes you realize how lucky you are when all the stars are momentarily aligned in your own.  I promised myself after mom died that I would not take health and happiness for granted, but admittedly, I often do. 

Sometimes a good old reality check is needed to get you back on track. When people like Shauna are open and honest about the hiccups in their lives, it makes you stop and really think about yours. I am going to make an honest effort to embrace these last few months rather than complain about them. My life is pretty great and I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

Just Another Bump...

She walked up to the desk to check in and couldn’t help but notice what was written on the sheet in the final column beside her name… “to discuss options”.   She didn’t think that sounded very promising.  They went to find a seat in the waiting room.  They had arrived twenty minutes early and he was running late.  The time ticked by painfully slow but her husband sat beside her, fiercely holding her hand.  Her rock.  He always knew exactly what to do in times like this….exactly what to say.  “I know you are scared. I am too".  "It will be okay".  "We will get through this".  "Just another bump in the road”. 

Finally, it was their turn.  He was the most reputable neurosurgeon in the city.  He exuded greatness.  This was a man who knew his stuff. 

She listened as he talked about growth.  2 mm in the last two years… enough to be concerned about.  He talked about options.  He said it was no longer an option to watch and wait.  Any further growth would leave brain surgery as the only course of action.  Anymore growth would lead to eventual symptoms; hearing loss, facial nerve damage, seizures.  Anymore growth could be dangerous.

He talked about gamma knife surgery and the 201 highly focused beams of gamma rays  guided with surgical precision, without a scalpel.  He mentioned the 93-95% success rate of stopping the tumour in it's tracks, 5-10% chance of complications involving brain swelling which would require a longterm treatment of steroids and 1% chance of more significant complications of hearing loss or facial nerve damage.  Decent odds.

He talked about timing.  He explained how 3 years ago tumours of this larger size were never treated with gamma knife and just how far the medicine had progressed in this area.  He talked about the far less evasive nature of this option, the fewer risks and the limited recovery time compared to brain surgery. 

She listened.  She knew it was psychological but the right side of her head suddenly hurt.  She could feel it there, weighing her down.  She had grown used to the idea of it being there and for some reason she had thought it always would be.  She had never thought of it as the enemy before, the invader.  But she knew now that it was and it needed to be stopped.  She listened as they talked about dates….sometime in the Fall.

She carried the informational brochures and video to the car.  She drove with her husband to get the kids.  Her best friend hugged her and kissed her cheek, “It will be okay.  You will be fine.  I know it”.

She went home and made dinner for the kids.  Her parents stopped by.  Her mom hugged her.  She said, “You’ll get through this”.  And in her heart she knew it was true.

Just another bump in the road.

 

Counting Down

She recognized the number as soon as it cam up on the screen.  She was surprised to hear from his office already, knowing how many people were on holidays this time of year.  As she answered she felt confident that this call would be similar to the many others before it….”No change, no growth. We will schedule your next MRI”.  Only a tiny bit of worry, of doubt, snuck into her mind as she said “hello”.

She was caught off guard by the nurse’s words.  “Dr. W. would like to schedule an appointment to go over your MRI results.  Can you come in later this week?”  She wasn’t expecting that.  She had never had to go in before.  The nurse tried to reassure her but it did little to quiet her rising concern.  She called “her people”.  They each in turn tried to be supportive and encouraging, but she could hear the worry in their voices too. 

So far, this had been the best summer she could remember with still so much ahead to look forward to. She would not allow this dark cloud to hang over them and ruin all the fun.  She spent the next few days trying to keep her mind off things.  She kept busy with friends, and family.  She swam and bowled and talked and laughed.  She cleaned and cooked and organized.  She surrounded herself with smiles, laughter, kids.  She was grateful that one of her oldest and dearest friends was home for a visit from overseas, along with her two beautiful, blonde and precious goddaughters.  She tried not to let the worry get to her but in those quiet moments alone it snuck in and overwhelmed her.  The tears washed over her.  She let her mind go to those places.  Had the tumour grown?  Would she need brain surgery?  Had they found something else?  …Something new and even scarier? 

Maybe her neurosurgeon just wanted to see her to touch base.  It had been 3 years.  As the week wore on she waited and she counted down the days, the hours, the minutes until Friday at 3.