It is no scret that my middle child has always presented me with a myriad of challenges. We have described her as head strong, stubborn, determined, difficult in our most trying moments. In those other moments, we have used loving, perceptive, determined, shy, passionate, lovable, squeezable, my favorite little 5 year old. Chad and I can look back over the years and know that we have walked on egg shells too many times to count when it comes to our dear, dear middle. We have exhausted the "time out" and reward charts. She has earned smarties, stickers, check marks. We have taken away toys, privileges, I have yelled, Chad has yelled, though not as much as me. Others have tried the "middle child syndrome" as an explanation, what they don't know is that she was born this way from the very first second. I often wonder if losing my mom and then being pregnant so quickly after meant that my body was a hostile environment filled with grief, agony, sadness and an overwhelming sense of loss. Did my loss impact my baby? Whatever the reason, she has given us a run for our money, pushing our limits, our boundaries, our parenting. On good days, Maggie is the most precious little soul, helpful, passionate about her friends, open to new ideas and direction. She loves to be put in roles to help, she is an excellent little helper and cleaner and she thinks helping little ones is the best job in the world. She is lovable and her spirit is infectious. Her mood can change in an instant to something not so sun-shiny and suddenly she has trouble accepting change, little things drive her crazy like sock seams, she gets easily frustrated and has a hard time accepting help. She gets bossy and likes to control things. I work with her all the time, constantly trying new ways to get her to think about her actions and though I think age and general maturity will help her to grow, I know I can't sit by idle and just watch. Her and I talk and talk and talk, we talk about what to expect in new situations, I walk her through old situations just to be sure. We keep a little memo book in the car for her to check things off her lists. She gets stickers for this and that. There are routine lists for morning and after school that help her to keep structure, something that helps my little girl to stay much more positive, knowing what to expect and when. I mentioned all of this to our doctor, wondering if this all falls within the "normal" range. Of course, it does, her spirit is far more challenging to parent but yes, it's normal...very normal. She recommended a book, she told me to run, not walk to the bookstore and get my hands on this book. She said it will shed light, make you appreciate and help you to understand your own little spirit. I did. It has been a refreshing and eye-opening read for me to hear someone talk about my child. Every page I read from "Raising Your Spirited Child" sounds like a descriptor of my little girl. The first pages moved me to the core as the author described the high's and low's of raising spirited kids that have every normal emotion but "more".
"On dreadful days, you're not sure you can face another twenty-four hours with her. It's hard to feel good as a parent when you can't even get her socks on, when every word you've said to her has been a reprimand. You feel weary, drained and much too old for this. You may wonder what is to come in the teen years if you don't figure out what to do now in the early years."
"You might have known since pregnancy that this child was different from other kids, normal but different. You might have known from birth when the nurses in the nursery shook their heads in dismay and wished you luck."
That's us. When Mags was born, she wailed and wailed and wailed and then they put her under the heat lamp, just mere seconds after her birth. She exhaled deeply, put her arms under her head, and halted the screams. The nurses looked at her and then us and said, "She is impatient, isn't she?" That was it, right out of the gate.
I am on page 12. I am convinced that this book is for me. I know by reading the very first characteristic, "Intensity" that this book is about my daughter.
"The loud, dramatic spirited children are easiest to spot. They don't cry; they shriek. They're noisy when they play, when they laugh, and even when they take a shower, singing at the top of their lungs while the hot water tank empties.
But quiet, intently observant children (Maggie) may also be spirited. They assess each situation before entering it as though developing a strategy for every move; their intensity is focused inward rather than outward.
No matter where their intensity is focused, the reactions of spirited children are always powerful. There is rarely a middle of the road . They never whimper; they wail. They can skip into a room, smiling and laughing only to depart thirty seconds later inflamed. Their tantrums are raw and enduring."
This characteristic doesn't even talk about the sensitivity to textures and smells, her intense perception of her surroundings or her often fiery persistence.
I am hoping to read this book and finds suggestions, strategies, ideas that I haven't thought of. I am hoping for SuperNanny in book form, someone to tell me what to do to help my little girl help herself and help us. I want some ways to help my good natured, helpful, loving little girl be more herself more of the time. And I hope this book will do it.
This challenge as a parent is the one that I hold most closely to my heart. It is the one that keeps me up at night and fills so many of daytime thoughts. Thank you for sharing and not judging.
